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Healing After A Miscarriage

Miscarriages occur in roughly 20% of pregnancies. However, it is still a tragic experience. It is important to take time to heal, no matter how far along a woman is when she loses her child. This is not a situation where you pay attention to what other people think; it is personal. Grief and loss are painful emotions associated with women who experience a miscarriage. In fact, these feelings are so overwhelming that New Zealand’s Parliament unanimously approved a piece of legislation that allows couples who suffer a miscarriage or stillbirth three days of paid leave. This new piece of legislation will expand leave to anyone who loses a pregnancy at any point. So do not be hard on yourself for not simply ‘getting over it’, you need to take time and be kind to yourself if you have experienced a miscarriage.

Emotions After Pregnancy Loss

A miscarriage comes with many heightened emotions and reactions. Since we have to move through them and not past them, it is important to spend time understanding your loss. Many people who go through a loss have several steps to healing, and this is no exception. These steps are common, but the order in which they occur is up to the individual and your own path.

Anger and Guilt

You may be experiencing the need to pin the blame on something or someone, so you may choose yourself. Or, you may start to blame others. You could start to feel resentful towards pregnant people around you or those who are  already parents. As difficult as this stage is, please remember that it is still a normal part of the grieving process.

Depression and Despair

You may find yourself feeling sad most (or all) of the time, crying constantly, or being unable to sleep or eat. You may have a lack of interest in things that used to bring you joy. You may start to feel as though you are never going to have a healthy baby, but this is just a phase in the recovery journey. Talk to your doctor before coming to this conclusion, odds are you and your partner will be able to bring a healthy baby to full term.

Shock and Denial

You may find yourself feeling numb to the situation or treating it as if it never happened at all. This is a way for your mind to protect itself from the trauma of loss. When we experience such pain, our minds want to keep us from getting hurt, but again, when we accept the situation and begin to grieve appropriately, it will get easier.

Acceptance

Finally, you will come to terms with the loss. This does not mean that you forget the loss, but that you are able to accept it and get back to your life. You will get here, no matter how difficult and how many steps you have to take.

Will I Ever Feel Normal Again?

No matter how you grieve, give yourself time. Acceptance is hard, so accept that maybe you will always have a place in your heart for the pregnancy you lost and feel sad about it for many years. If it helps, remember the day in your own way by going on a picnic with your spouse, lighting a candle, or whatever feels appropriate to you. It is normal to mourn the loss, but you should also gradually feel better as time goes on. You are on the right track and will feel ‘normal’ again.

If you are still having trouble coping and are suffering from an inability to focus, eat, sleep, or are isolating yourself, professional counseling is a great option to look into. This will help you realize you are not alone, not crazy, and validate your feelings. Give yourself time, but be your own advocate for when that time has gone on long enough.

Self-Care

Reconnecting With Your Body

After someone goes through a physically traumatic event, connecting with one’s body can be very difficult. After a miscarriage, you can feel angry at your body or a lack of control over what happens to it. Treat your body with care. Gentle exercise is a great way to get starting. Swimming, going for walks, taking a yoga class, and stretching are all great ways to begin repairing that gap between your body and yourself. Exercise is not an option for everyone, but there are many other ways to connect.

Let your body feel good sensations from a hot shower and comfy blankets. Remind yourself that your body is capable. Your relationship to your body is life-long and one of the most important, underrated ones. Make peace with it as best as you can.

Getting Support

Asking people for help can be very difficult. We sometimes avoid it, even if it is what we need because we are afraid of being perceived as weak. However, sometimes we just do not know how to ask. If you need help, ask for it from the ones you love.

This is not an easy task, however. Remind yourself that needing help does not make someone weak, but rather that you have the strength to care for yourself. Remind yourself that if a loved one asked you for help, you would be there and would place no judgment on them. It can be difficult for people to relate to a miscarriage if they have never experienced it, so be upfront with what you need. Even if you never rely on their help, simply knowing that they are there can make a world of difference. If you are reaching out to your partner for support and they are also struggling, find a counselor or therapist to help.

This is not for everyone, but it may be very helpful. These individuals are highly trained and equipped to help with grieving and healing. There also many support groups and online groups that can be beneficial too if you need a community to be part of. If you decide counseling or therapy is your path, many platforms like Mental Treat will help you find one in your area, who specializes in your needs, and is in your price range. Please visit the rest of our website for more information.

Healing For Families

To begin, acknowledge that the pregnancy existed. Many people choose to wait until after the first trimester to share their news as the risk of miscarriage is smaller; however, if a miscarriage does occur, it puts the couple in a difficult position. Recognizing and accepting that the baby existed to loved ones and themselves can help the couple move on when they are ready.

A miscarriage can feel like losing a child, so consider memorializing the baby. This is a way to acknowledge the pregnancy and help grieve in appropriate, healthy ways. This could be something you do individually, in a memorial, or in a letter. However, you find it appropriate to memorialize your child is correct.

Becoming pregnant again can feel like the perfect solution to all of the grief, but remember that another pregnancy does not shorten grief. Instead, wait to find the healing and consider other options to make you feel better right now. Get re-involved in activities you used to enjoy and find support through other avenues. There will be more time for another baby when you and your partner take care of yourselves.

If You Feel Lonely

Loneliness is a common trait associated with miscarriages. If you are experiencing this, here are some ways you can cope:

  • Share your story with others online or in a journal;
  • Tell people if being around new babies makes you upset or uncomfortable;
  • Help raise awareness for baby loss;
  • Talk with someone anonymously;
  • Be very open with your partner about what you are feeling.

This will not replace the loss of your child but should help you begin to fill the hole.

The Couple Relationship After a Miscarriage

What Research Has Seen

Research has found that any level of trauma can affect your relationship, and a miscarriage is no exception. A study in 2010 was done to examine the impact of a miscarriage or a stillbirth on relationships. It was found that married or cohabiting couples that experienced a miscarriage were 22% more likely to break up than couples who had a healthy baby at full term. The number became 40% in couples who experienced a stillbirth.

It is not uncommon for couples to grow apart after a miscarriage because grief is a very difficult emotion. If this is the first grief you and your partner are experiencing together, you will be learning about yourself and each other at the same time. Some people want to isolate themselves and work through feelings alone whereas others need to be distracted and keep themselves busy.

Another study from 2003 found that 32% of women felt more “interpersonally” distant from their husband one year after a miscarriage and 39% felt distant sexually. This is a very difficult time and it is normal to have some issues. Grief is hard on anyone, and the strain it puts on two people can be overwhelming, but it is something you can work through.

Overcoming the Silence

While the breakup statistics are high, it is not certain. One study by Dr. Katherine Gold (Associate Professor at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor) said that people do not need to “be alarmed and assume that just because someone has had a pregnancy loss, they will also have their relationship dissolved.” She adds that many couples can actually become closer after a loss.

To get through a miscarriage healthily and avoid negative impacts, focus on communication. Talking and talking more is ideal, but if you are not ready for that, start with a professional. There are many places to get connected with counselors or support groups, so get started looking.

There is a lot of silence surrounding a miscarriage and the grief someone should expect after a loss. It is unsurprising that you may feel alone, even with your partner. When you do not feel like your partner is experiencing the same level of anger, sadness, or whatever else you are feeling, it is hard to cope. If your partner is unable or unsure of how to help you, it can lead to avoiding the problem instead of opening up.

When you go through something traumatic like a miscarriage, there is a good chance of coming out stronger. Working through the silence and sadness helps connect you. However, if you and your partner are having different reactions to your loss, you may start to feel isolated in your relationship. Please try and remember that it is normal to feel different than your partner. It does not mean the relationship is not working. Being kind to one another, listening to each other, and respecting one another’s ways of coping is the best way to overcome this difficult time.

Do Not Place Blame

Miscarriages and loss of pregnancy are no one’s fault. We are all responsible for our own feelings and responses. Blaming yourself or someone else will only create divides and help nobody move forward. Instead, acknowledge that something traumatic can happen, but it is no one’s fault or responsibility. Rather than working to find a ‘reason’ for what happened, put your energy into finding happiness, comfort, and acceptance again.

Consider Performing a Grieving Ritual

If you are looking for a sense of closure from your pregnancy, there are many rituals you can perform to honor the loss. This is particularly helpful in families who have experienced stillbirth or late pregnancy losses. Some people will plant a tree, get a tattoo, or even have a funeral service to honor their baby’s loss.

Sex

It may take some time for your sex life to go back to normal. Some couples see sex as a way to help show their partner love and comfort whereas others may not feel sexual at all. Sometimes one partner may want to have sex while the other does not. These reactions are all perfectly natural. Sex will inevitably raise the question of if and when you want to try again for another child.

From a biological point of view, you may be fertile again as early as the month after experiencing a miscarriage. So you should use contraception if you plan on having sex and are not ready to get pregnant again.

On an emotional level, it may take more time to decide what you want to do, especially if you and your partner feel differently about this. Try to take time and give each other space if that is what you need. Your sexual relationship will develop when you are ready, and if you are finding it difficult, it may be helpful to receive some professional advice.

Sex can lead to misunderstandings are arguments during an already stressful time. So, do what you can as a couple to help make this easier on one another.

A Word From Mental Treat

A miscarriage will never be easy, so take the time you need to feel okay again. Remember, this timeline will be different for everyone. You have all of the strength you need inside of you, but reaching out to loved ones or looking into a counselor or therapist is always an option. The impacts of the grieving process can absolutely affect your relationship, but you may learn something new about each other and find the strength you did not see before. Do not be hard on yourself during this process and heal in ways that make you feel okay again.

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