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Coping After A Relationship With A Narcissist

Narcissists can be very difficult to be in relationships with. They are focused, determined, and need what is known as ‘Narcissistic Supply’. This is similar to an addiction and they will go to many different lengths to get their fill. However, they are insatiable. No matter how much love you try to give this person, it is never going to be enough.

Being in a relationship with someone like this can make you feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells or are in the relationship alone. These people require constantly admiration and attention. Often, they do not have healthy attachment styles. Instead of showing this, they often hide behind ego and overcompensate. How do we recognize this in our partners, and what do we do if we see these traits? Most importantly, how do we move forward? Continue reading for your answers.

What Is a Narcissist and How Do They Operate?

A narcissist is someone who is constantly looking for attention, power, and status. They need other people to get what they want and will use you until they no longer need you. If they see potential in you to help them, they will collect that information and use it later.

Think about your first date. When your waiter asked if you wanted something to drink, did your partner answer for you? And did you go along with it? This willingness to do what they want is what they love to see. This person may seem fun and carefree, but this is a tactic. That is not to say that your partner is a narcissist if they order a drink they know you enjoy or say no on your behalf if they discussed not drinking. It is the challenge to see how far you will go along with them that the narcissist enjoys.

How a Narcissist May Control You

Narcissists use many different tactics to control people. These include:

Projecting

These people have a habit of accusing others of what they are doing. If they are lying, they may accuse you of doing so. They may claim you need to see someone for your anger when they are the one who blows up. Meanwhile, they remain unaware of the hypocrisy.

Controlling Your Reality

Because of their superiority complex, many narcissists believe that they may “know you better than you know yourself”. This is just another way they maintain the upper hand in relationships.

Badgering You

These people feel they are entitled to whatever. As a result, they badger people with demands, opinions, questions, and comments. They may pressure you into giving immediate answers and will not listen to your point of view if it is not theirs. They often fail to recognize how this hurts others.

Infantilizing You

Narcissists talk down to others or use a demeaning voice to communicate. They try to feel superior by treating others as below them.

Shaming You

Narcissists feel shame, yet put it on others. They question others and chide them for failure. They feel the need to one-up others in order to feel better about themselves.

Flattering You

Narcissists enjoy compliments, so they give them out believing others need them the way they do. They will stroke your ego to get something out of you.

Sometimes, even forgiveness is a part of their “game”.

Forgiveness is often a ‘get-out-of-jail-free card’ for narcissists. Keep in mind that every verbal proclamation of forgiveness is real. Sometimes, they might just apologize for their own self-interest.

There are four kinds of verbal proclamations that narcissists use to masquerade as forgiveness. R.C. Hunter coined these kinds in 1978 when he noticed these trends in his clients.

  1. Forgiveness to dominate. Let’s say for example you and your partner are fighting. They claim they forgive you for your ‘insensitivity’ and you forgive them. Then, they start to make comments about being better thanyou. They claim they would not have had to forgive you if you were behaving more appropriately. This forgiveness was just a mask for finding ways to dominate the relationship.
  2. Forgiveness to virtue signal. This happens in people who proclaim forgiveness for a wide variety of people. This is a means of drawing attention to their high virtue. Superficial forgiveness never allows narcissists to get to the root of their anger and experience true forgiveness. This also gives off “I forgive better so I am better than you” vibes.
  3. Forgiveness to blame. Sometimes people will say they forgive you even if you have done nothing wrong. This is a way they gaslight you into believing their lies. The narcissist may receive your correction or they will refuse to. They are quick to blame and quick to anger.
  4. Forgiveness to keep doing what they should not. Fale self-forgiveness can be used as a way to excuse and continue harmful behavior. For example, if someone were to have an affair and then say “it’s alright. I forgive myself” with no amendment to the behavior, it is false. This is a way of reducing guilt and continue cheating.

You can try gently showing your partner the inconsistencies between their forgiveness and their actions. If they do not respond well to this, point out the harm that comes from this false forgiveness. When you point out the negative consequences it may help them. If none of this works, it may be time for a larger discussion of their narcissistic behavior.

Do Not Take It Personally

If you are the victim of a narcissistic spouse or partner, it is not your fault. Do not feel shame for being the person they chose; once you stop being the person they want you to be, you will be disposable to them.

In your relationship, it can be difficult to process and realize that you may not be getting what you need from your partner. You are being the scapegoat for issues or played because of your trusting nature.

Narcissists are so focused on being better than everyone else that they do not always see the costs of their actions. They are unable to have healthy relationships because they cannot see people for who they actually are. Narcissistic abuse is hard to manage and hard to not take personally, but it is crucial to your recovery process.

A Word From Mental Treat

Looking for more information on narcissists and how to deal with them? We have several helpful resources to get you started. Check out the following articles:

Coming to terms with a narcissistic romantic partner can be difficult. We encourage you to seek help from a professional if you feel your mental, emotional, or physical well-being is being compromised by this relationship. If you are feeling unsafe, please reach out for help.

On Mental Treat, we have many qualified professionals who are ready to help in person or online. Our platform has been able to help many people build their self-esteem and find the right professional for them. No matter what your situation, our mental health professionals are here to help. To check it out, click here. As always, take care, and be well.

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