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How to Deal With Narcissists and Their Double Standards

Have you ever met someone who is too full of themselves? Not just self-absorbed, but people who fly into a blind rage when someone thinks they are wrong and tends to set harsh double standards and paradoxes. These people are narcissists.

This disorder is characterized in several ways. Narcissists tend to demand attention but have an inability to listen. They are both confident and very insecure. They expect special treatment, but cannot reciprocate, and when they do, it is just to get something out of the other person.

These double standards are very harmful, especially in relationships (romantic or otherwise). Today, we will be focusing on how to deal with these double standards and tips on what to do (and not do) to succeed with them.

Double Standards

1. These people are larger-than-life but also incredibly sensitive.

They tend to believe that they are the most accomplished, intelligent, and capable people in the world. Yet, they break when they are not viewed that way. Narccisits are known for lashing out at people when they are not the center of attention. These temper tantrums reveal their true insecurities and make them appear weaker.

2. They say no to others but always want something.

Many narcissists enjoy being able to say no to others. They enjoy having an enemy. However, they love to want things from other people; power, status, tears. No matter what it is, narcissistic people are the first to decline others but the first to want something out of them.

3. They are bad listeners who want to be heard.

Narcissists are unable to get the self-esteem they need from themselves, so they seek it from others. They are so desperate for attention that they tend to listen impatiently to others. They are quick to compete for attention and do what they can to receive it.

4. They expect empathy but do not know how to give it.

Narcissists expect people to take care of their feelings, but they are not good at expressing emotions. They tend to dislike or feel annoyed when someone asks something of them. However, people pointing out this behavior in narcissists are designed to draw attention to the consequences of their actions. This is not always well-received.

5. They are quick to blame others but not take responsibility.

Narcissists tend to believe that they are blameless. If they fail, it is someone else’s fault. If they are wrong, they cannot apologize. There is little room for self-awareness and have trouble accepting responsibility.

6. They are image-center but very unaware.

These people tend to seek status through wealth, power, and who they know. They want to be with the ‘right’ people and do not associate with those they do not think will help their social status. However, respect and admiration are earned, not entitled. Actions have consequences and when people see you behave in a way they do not agree with, they will keep that in mind.

7. They are charming but have a dark side.

Many narcissists are knowing for their charming personalities and smooth-talking. However, they tend to have a manipulative and selfish dark side. It can be difficult, especially if you have fallen for the charm, to see their true nature. This behavior is not only unhealthy but unfair to those around them.

8. They want loyalty but will betray others.

Betrayal, abandonment, and humiliation are the biggest fear of narcissists. They are known for repeatedly testing the loyalty of those close to them and will betray you at the first sight of trouble. We all have a fear of being hurt, but narcissists tend to take it that extra step too far.

Being aware of the double standards can help you cope with a narcissist. Remember, you do not have to play by their rules if you do not want to. These double standards are unfair and unhealthy. This person may know that, but old habits die hard. If you notice any of these trends in your relationships, ask yourself if it is worth holding onto. The power in the situation is knowing what you are willing to tolerate and what you are not. For more information, please check out our article on values and hidden life principles.

If You Need to Come to an Understanding With a Narcissist

Working with a narcissist can be difficult, especially when there is a mutual agreement to be made. People who are narcissistic tend to believe they are always right, so you are in for a fight. It can be difficult to settle arguments and disagreements with a narcissist. Friends may bargain about how you spend your time or exes may believe you have no right to see your children. Whatever the situation, you need to be prepared for this kind of conversation with a narcissist. How to do this:

  • Know your triggers and prepare your responses. Does this person constantly point out your weight or intelligence? Be aware of this and have a deflection ready.
  • Create ‘safe’ topics that you can come back to when the conversation goes off-track. You will feel it coming with a narcissist tries to go into one of those sensitive topics. Move to a safe topic, like the weather.
  • Figure out what they will say to undermine you. If you think they will call you out for leading the conversation and confronting them, have a remark prepared to stop this.
  • Be as clear and specific as possible. Try setting a start and end time for this talk.
  • Write down what was agreed upon. A paper trail is important.
  • Be as emotionally distant as possible. Pretend to let it go over your head and not affect you. This will help you keep the power in the conversation.

But what do you do if the narcissistic person in question is your boss? This can change the conversation and dynamic rapidly.

  • Figure out who you are dealing with. If your boss is the kind of narcissist who needs the center of attention, use that. When you better understand the person, you are better able to work with them.
  • Pick your battles. If you know they are prone to throwing fits, maybe do not call out their behavior constantly. Try to reason with him or her after they have cooled down.
  • Filter the feedback you receive. Yes, the negative feedback may not be delivered right, but it could also be correct. Remember you are not responsible for their behavior and actions.
  • Know when it is time to move on. If the situation is affecting your mental and physical health (along with your work), it might be time to find a different job.

What Not to Do with Any Narcissist

You may want to go into a conversation with a narcissistic heated and ready to out-argue or outsmart them, but there are many ‘don’t’s when it comes to dealing with them. Here are our top 10 do-not-dos:

1. Do not expect empathy.
You will not make this person feel for your situation. Narcissists have an inability to see others as equals and their entitlement does not let them play fair. Rather than trying to get empathy out of them, focus on respecting yourself when dealing with them.

2. Do not take it personally.
Narcissists will tend to see you as either a threat or victim. This is true for everyone they meet and you cannot take it personally. When you do, it gives them power. Understand that, unfortunately, this is just what they do and how they operate.

3. Do not take them at face value.
The narcissist’s image is everything to them. They often lie to cover their tracks and work very hard to keep a positive public persona. Yet, on the inside, they can feel like the frauds they are. Have compassion for them, but do not take them at face value.

4. Do not give into them.
These people love to feel above you. Anything you share with them they feel is within their right to exploit. Be mindful of this and do not give into them.

5. Do not expect them to own their actions.
We already know narcissists have a hard time apologizing and owning their actions. Do not expect them to see their side of the street in your arguments or situations. They believe they are more correct than others and have difficulty acknowledging their mistakes.

6. Do not expect loyalty.
You will only be left disappointed. Narcissists have a difficult time viewing others as equals, and in doing so, lack loyalty. They are very ‘fight or flight’ and if they feel they are being betrayed, they will act on that.

7. Do not underestimate their narcissism.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder controls the person’s whole sense of self. These people have an insatiable need for power and status. These behaviors can last a lifetime. Hoping they will change is not going to work. Have compassion and understand their disorder, but do not let them take advantage of you.

8. Do not minimize their behavior.
Call them out on behaviors that are unhealthy. Manipulating and humiliating others is wrong. They may not be around people who will say their behavior is wrong or others may be so used to it they forget, but that does not mean you should not say something, even if it is just to yourself.

9. Do not try to justify yourself.
Narcissists often put others down for trying to explain themselves. You do not owe them a justification or explanation. You are giving them the opportunity to gaslight you if you over-explain. It is a waste of time to defend yourself to a narcissist.

10. Do not try to beat them at their own game. 
This can be tempting, but remember, they have a lot more experience than you in this area. They are more manipulative in one day than most of us are in a lifetime. Trying to beat them will make the situation worse. Instead, be true to yourself and your values.

How to Handle Narcissistic Rage In a Loved One

You can attend family or couples therapy to work on your communication with this person. Setting boundaries as to what is acceptable is also a great way to handle this person. If you ever find yourself being physically, emotionally, or mentally threatened or abused, end the relationship. Acknowledge that you are not to blame for his or her behavior. Do not place anger on yourself, but stay calm during these difficult episodes. Protect your self-worth and self-esteem from the narcissist and if you find yourself being gaslit, find an outside source to help. This can be very difficult to cope with, but if you take all of the proper steps, and your loved one wants to change, the relationship can be saved.

A Word From Mental Treat

If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist or that you suffer from communicating with one at work in any other context, find support. This can be difficult to cope with on your own. Friends, family, and therapy are great resources. 

Mental Treat has an excellent platform ready for you to engage with. Simply visit our website and scroll through qualified mental health professionals. You can use our filters to find the right fit for your situation. Click here for access.

No matter what your situation is, dealing with a narcissist can be draining. We wish you the best of luck as you continue to navigate the situation. Take care, and be well. 

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