Everything You Need to Know About 4 Attachment Styles

Have you ever wondered why some people are very clingy and others are so detached in their relationships? Today, we are going to unpack the different attachment styles and find out why. In this article, we will be addressing the four attachment styles, their characteristics, how they affect relationships, and how to identify them.

Someone’s attachment style directly affects their relationships with others. According to Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby (the psychologist and psychiatrist team who developed attachment theory), attachment style is developed during childhood as a response to our relationship with our earliest caregivers. This is to say that the way we attach ourselves as adults is a mirror of the dynamic we had as infants. The four attach styles are: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant.

What Is Attachment and Its Characteristics?

Attachment is defined as a special, emotional relationship that involves an exchange of pleasure, comfort, and care. The theory stemmed from Freud’s theories about love, but John Bowlby most famously is credited with the theory.

John Bowlby strongly believed that early childhood experiences are incredibly influential for development in later life. He believed that attachment had an “evolutionary component” that aided our survival.

He says that there are four characteristics of attachment, including:

Safe haven;

The ability to return to the attachment figure for comfort without fear.

Secure base;

Acts as the base of security from which a child can explore his or her environment.

Proximity maintenance;

The desire or need to be around the people we are attached to.

Separation distress;

Anxiety occurs in the absence of the attachment figure.

Bowlby had three propositions about his theory. First, he posed that when children are raised with confidence from their parents or primary caregivers, they are less likely to experience fear than those who were raised without. Second, Bowlby believed that this level of confidence is created during a crucial moment of development during childhood and adolescence. The expectations that are formed then remain relatively constant. Third, he posed that these expectations are tied to experience. Children develop expectations that their caregivers will be responsive to his or her needs because, in his or her experience, this has been true.

4 Attachment Styles and How They Affect Relationships

A secure attachment style is a low anxiety and avoidance. This style typically leads to the most stable and fulfilling relationships.
An anxious (or anxious-preoccupied) style is driven by high anxiety and low avoidance. This style often can create relationships that are driven by drama and low trust.
An avoidant (or dismissive-avoidant) style is low in anxiety and high in avoidance. This style may lead to distant relationships that often stem from a fear of commitment.
A fearful-avoidant style is high in anxiety and avoidance. This creates close relationships with a fear of being left.

Every attachment style brings specific energy to relationships. These are generalizations, not necessarily inevitabilities. However, being aware of these different attachments can help us make stronger, healthier relationships.

Secure Attachment

People who display this attachment style know how to set boundaries and participate in intimate relationships healthily. They tend to approach relationships with confidence and experience very little anxiety. These people are pros at communicating effectively about any topic, even the harder ones. They are typically optimistic and upfront about their needs, and expect the same from others.

As adults in relationships, these people tend to build trust very well and have long-term relationships. They enjoy intimate relationships and seek our social support.

Anxious Attachment

People with this attachment style tend to be more anxious in their relationships. They may feel a greater need for words of affirmation and reassurance from the people in their lives. These individuals tend to invent or magnify conflicts in their relationships and may feel a sense of security from a shared focus on these problems. They are often more pessimistic about relationships and paranoid even. They are afraid of losing their partner and can exhibit jealous (or even possessive) behaviors.

As adults in relationships, these people tend to feel reluctant about getting too close to others and often worry about whether or not their feelings will be reciprocated by their partners. This can lead to frustrations including breakups.

Avoidant Attachment

People with this style sometimes feel distant or even cold. They may be very wary of committing to relationships and claim that they do not want to be ‘tied down’. Partners with this attachment style show their independence by throwing themselves into work or hobbies. They maintain a busy schedule and do not always invite their partner. These people are more likely to be passive-aggressive or display narcissistic behaviors than others.

As adults in relationships, these individuals struggle with intimacy and close relationships. They do not invest very much emotion into relationships and experience little distress when a relationship ends. Often they will use excuses to avoid intimacy and even fantasize about others during sex. Research has found that the avoidant style people are more accepting and likely to engage in casual sex. They are also known for failing to support their partners in times of stress and a general inability to share feelings/thoughts with their partners.

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment

People with this attachment style often find themselves in chaotic situations. They may experience a lot of internal conflict over their desire and fear of intimate relationships. They may desire the benefits of a close relationship but are not quite sure about the vulnerability and commitment that is required to be in a relationship. Within an intimate partnership, people with this style simultaneously obsess over and push their partner away. They may show affection one day and be cold the next. These individuals fear losing themselves in their relationships and have a hard time setting healthy boundaries.

There is a big connection between these early attachment styles and the quality of later romantic relationships. This idea is based on the model where an infant’s primary attachment forms a model for his or her future relationships. The internal working model influences the expectations people to have later in life.

Adults’ relationships likely reflect these early attachment styles because the experience someone has led them to expect the same behavior later in life. This theory was illustrated in Hazan and Shaver’s love quiz experiment. This quiz collected information from participants on their early attachment styles and attitudes towards relationships. The findings suggested that people who were securely attached as infants tended to have the best, healthiest, longest-lasting relationships. People who were not securely attached found adult relationships to be more difficult and believe that love was rare. This supports the theory that childhood has a significant impact on people’s attitudes later in life.

How Are Attachment Styles Formed?

We know that attachment styles are developed when we are infants from our relationship with our caregivers. Researchers believe that they are formed within the first year of life. Peter Lovenheim, the author of The Attachment Effect, is quoted saying “human beings are born helpless, so we are hardwired at birth to search and attach to a reliable caregiver for protection”.

Attachment styles are determined by the way our caregivers responded to our cues as children. Here is a breakdown by each attachment style:

Secure attachment: the caregivers were responsive to their child’s needs.
Anxious attachment: the caregivers were inconsistent, unpredictable with their affections, and sometimes withdrawn. The unpredictable behaviors are what lead to emotional distress and anxiety.
Avoidant attachment: the caregivers were not responsive and were often distant and dismissive of their child’s needs. This results in a child believing that his or her needs will not be met.
Fearful-avoidant attachment: the caregivers were frightening or even traumatizing, resulting in a deep lack of trust and fear. It is possible that they were neglectful or abusive, so the child develops a poor sense of boundaries.

Caregivers are not the only people who influence your attachment style, however. People’s attachment styles can also be influenced by other relationships throughout their lives.

What Is My Attachment Style?

There are a variety of online quizzes you can use to identify your attachment style. This one might be the most popular. It is based on research and created by R. Chris Fraley, Ph.D., a psychologist from the University of Illinois who has researched attachment theory in depth. Generally, many people read the descriptions of each attachment style and recognize themselves in one. Here is a quick check-in based on the Hazan and Shaver attachment theory. Choose which resonates with you best:

● I find it relatively easy to be close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I do not worry about being abandoned or having someone get too close to me.

● I find that other people are reluctant to get too close to me. I am often worried that my partner does not really love me or want to be with me. I want to merge completely with someone else, and this can sometimes scare people away.

● I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to other people; I find it hard to trust them completely and depend on them. I am nervous about people getting too close, and often my partners want me to be more intimate than I am comfortable with.

It is important to note that Fearful-Avoidant Attachment was not part of Hazan and Shaver’s research. It is generally rarer, so if you feel that is your attachment style, you may want to reach out to a professional to help you cope. The first statement is in reference to Secure Attachment, the second is Anxious Attachment, and the third is Avoidant Attachment.

It is also important to note that people may have a different attachment style for each situation. Even though we develop these styles as children, we typically have people in our lives we feel more comfortable with than others. For many, their attachment style is different for every relationship they encounter (romantic or otherwise). It is all about your personal feeling of safety in the relationship.

How Can I Change My Attachment Style?

Research has found that is it possible to change your attachment style; however, it takes a lot of patience and intention to shift from an insecure to secure attachment. Here are the best places to start:

1. Identify Your Relationship Patterns.

Start by thinking about your relationship with your parents as a child and ask questions. How did they treat you? How did you respond to them? Were they more negligent or reliable? Who did you go to when you had a problem? This will help you gain a better understanding of what shaped your attachment style.

2. Work On Your Self-Esteem.

Learn to love yourself. If self-love is a difficult concept for you, start with developing self-tolerance. You should be valuing yourself so you can value another person.

3. Get In Touch With Your Needs.

People with insecure attachments tend to fear that their relationships will not work out, so it is important to make yourself feel secure in your relationships. Part of that stems from being aware of your needs in your relationships. Learn to set healthy boundaries and honor what you feel.

4. Do Not Be Afraid To Seek Help.

Therapy is always a helpful option and it is available for individuals and couples. Therapists will help you set boundaries and assess your attachment style. Mental Treat is a great place to get started on your search if you feel you want help on your journey!

A Word From Mental Treat

Now you know all there is to know about the 4 attachment styles! We hope this article was informative. Take some time to think about the role your earliest caregivers played in your development. You may surprise yourself with what dots you connect. Having a better understanding of the role attachment styles plays gives you a greater understanding and appreciation for how our earliest interactions with one another really affect our adult lives.